How to have Sex on the Beach… Thursday, May 3 2012 


How to have sex on the beach is about as much fun as sex in a pool. I can recall my first time with a one night fling while I had just moved to Panama City Beach. Of course there was drinking involved, beautiful night, and a very cute guy. We were at a bar on the beach and after some constant flirting, we decided to go for it on the beach. It was exciting and sandy. Of course everything was going well until the water came up, washed my skirt and shirt away. The beach security busted us mid way and have to say I was slightly embarrassed. We did accomplish our goal of sex on the beach and then some. But here are a few pointers for you sand in the cracks and sex on the beach….

Exactly How to Have Sex on the Beach
by Ariane Marder
Glamour June 2012

And no, I do not mean the unfortunately-named cocktail. I’m talking real-deal fornication in the sand.

The year was 2000, and I had fallen hard for my friend’s cousin (looking back, it was clearly the allure of vacation sex that had me so smitten, but whatever). We were at a New Year’s party at a beach house and I was wearing a floor-length black dress. After ringing in the new millennium, we decided to take a romantic stroll and well, we didn’t end going very far before planting ourselves in the sand and getting busy. I learned a few valuable lessons that night that I feel it’s my duty to share:

1. Time is of the essence.
Nighttime is obviously the easiest time due to the darkness factor and because there’s usually no one around. (It’s also the only time you can get away with being completely naked on most American shores.) But if you find yourself at the beach mid-day, all hot and bothered by something besides the sun, you have another option: Location scouting. Look for a stretch of sand that’s secluded (duh) and preferably only accessible by one entrance (so that you can see who is coming).

2. Sand is your vulva’s enemy (notice I didn’t say vagina?).
To avoid sand crotch, there are a few precautions you can take. Bring a giant towel or beach blanket that will fit the both of you comfortably. Or, better yet, make like a family with a baby and bring one of those portable beach cabanas that give you optimal coverage. (Your skin will thank you, too!)

3. Position yourself wisely.
Despite what the movies show, missionary is not ideal for beach sex. Say, for instance, in lieu of your best efforts to remain unseen, you are happened upon by peepers. His naked bum will be a dead giveaway that you are in a salacious act. Instead, I suggest spooning (and if you’re in a bathing suit, it’s easy to move your bottoms to the side). You could also sit on his lap facing him and wrap your legs around him. But be sure to drape a towel around your shoulders for privacy. And please watch out for crabs (the crustaceans, sillies)!

4. Make it count.
Once the logistics are out of the way, now comes the easy part: enjoying it. Having sex on the beach is wild and romantic. And, let’s be honest, it’s not something you can do on a daily basis. So take a moment to listen to the waves crashing on the shore, or if it’s night, look up at that beautiful starry sky.

5. Rinse (and repeat!).
OK, so chances are you’ll end up sandy (and a bit sticky). Here comes the best part: The water is only steps away. Head for a swim and wash away any sediment you may have picked up in the act. I assure you that the lapping waves and salty ocean make for a one-of-a-kind post-coital snuggle.

Raise your hand if you can’t wait for summer!

Photo: Thinkstock

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I’m back, somewhat… Thursday, Sep 15 2011 


So I’m back! I know it’s been a few weeks but dealing with my discs in my back has been fun ( that would be sarcasm 😉 )! Anyway, with all the doctor and hospital visits I decided to destress and focus on getting healthy. Wish I could say it helped but crossing my fingers for my round of back injections! Let me tell you I know understand why women who are pregnant and in labor choose the epidural injection because that is what I’m getting now. It wasn’t as painful as I thought but then again I’m not having contractions, I’m having severe back pain and spasms. I have been somewhat still bed bound with the exception of going to work and doctor visits. I miss going out with my friends, going shopping, or doing any of the basic things that I used to do without hurting with any amount of walking. It has been humbling asking for help or having my family or the bf helping me with the smallest things like taking a shower, shaving my legs, putting my bra on, or getting in or out of bed. But I’m very thankful for all those helping me in my time of need. Let me tell you having to walk and use a cane was hard for me. I just turned 40 years old and have to use a cane to walk around with was very hard for me to get used too. Especially, being around all my friends, seeing their expressions watching them watching me try to do the simplest of things like getting up and walk to the restroom if we are out. But you know what they care and love me so I shouldn’t sweat the small stuff. Learning to adjust to all this is a challenge but I have faith that I will get better. Just need to keep positive, which has been difficult given the fact that I can’t just get up and go like I used too! Or not being able to go out and hang with my family or friends because I simply can’t because I’m in so much pain or there is too much walking to activity involved. Keep me in your thoughts! 

I missed the meaning “us”… Wednesday, Aug 10 2011 


So, I am really bumming tonight! I did something I should’ve never done, I googled ( stupid google with your powers of the search engine ) the ex-husband and saw that he’s still married to the whore that he left me for ( which they have a kid now ) and they are now living one state away from me. Weird because they were up North but in the military there are no choices of living, you basically are going where they decide.
I feel so many emotions right now, especially seeing an actual picture of him just made me wonder… what was it all for. I mean I feel like a piece of crap because I wish I never searched him. You know that feeling like if you could see the future for 10 seconds, would you or like reading a book or watching a movie, instead of reading through the story, you just skip to the last page, and you really wish you didn’t. And of course, like the crazy I am, ( you know it’s coming ) I searched the whore as well. I mean she is on the Book ( Facebook ) along with all my ex- in laws and old friends that go with one of a broken couple ( so I guess they all chose him because I have never heard from them since the divorce ). You spend 11 plus years with this person, their family becomes your family, friendships are made and just like that I don’t exist to any of these people that I formed relationships with so long ago.
It’s funny when you watch a movie and at one point there is a couple that breaks up and what do the mutual friends do or pick as on going friendship goes. Do you stay friends with both or drop one and stay with the other. Well, I must’ve lucked out because I got nobody, just the clothes on my back. Literally, all I got from 11 years together was my clothes I packed when I came back to Nola! I mean where the hell are my stuff! He left me, broke our marriage and kept everything that was mine! He got the girl ( or whore as I call her ) and a child, he could’ve at least give me my belongings! Where the hell is all the karma in this, he screwed me over, I had a great life, and now it’s all bullshit! I have been through the ringer the last 7 years and he’s got everything going for him. Ok, so I am slightly angry but when you 22 years old and marry the person you see yourself growing old with, the person who loves you and will protect you, just end everything right out of left field, you tend to have a lot of unanswered questions. I guess I will never get those answers.
I’m so angry, sad, and hurt. You think you know a person after 11 years and in a snap of a second they change before your eyes. I guess I’m just pissed because if he wasn’t the one then why am I on this ridiculous collision course of bad karma. It is one bad thing to another and I try to do the right thing so that way I know some sort of good should come my way.
When I saw his picture, he looked the same as the last day I saw him ( at the airport, I flew from Nola, to fix it, but he moved on in only 5 days that I remember us crying before my flight, walking away was the hardest thing in my life, because I knew in his eyes he was not mine anymore, so I walked to my gate in the airport, turning around one last time to see him ) at the airport. Gosh, I remember crying the whole flight back home, it felt so surreal. He looks as if he hadn’t aged in all these years, he still had the same military cut, his eyes looking away from the camera as always, and yet a part of me missed him. Its crazy, after all this time, don’t get me wrong I’m not carrying a torch for him, but i missed the meaning of him and I together, I missed us! I wonder what the gods had in store for me, why me? I just want to know why, I want that love and relationship that I had before with someone. I miss the old “us” but maybe the greater powers that be meant for me to come home and be with my family. I do cherish my family but when will it be my happy time again. I’m just waiting for that moment, you know, when you have all your crap together and you can finally breathe aloud to say now I get it! But, still searching or at least following whatever path I’m supposed to be on right now. I guess it’s true what they say ” you never know what you got, until it’s gone”. Maybe I didn’t appreciate the things I did have and took it for granted. Whatever, it may be I am home, in Nola with my family and friends. Who knows, maybe what life really has in store for me, was to begin now, now that I’m 40 years old and my perspective has changed due to all that I have gone through the last 7 years. I guess we will have to wait and find out…stay tuned! I think I will cry myself to sleep and hope that tomorrow will be a better day and a better hope for me.

My Life at ( just breathe and say it fast ) ) 40… Wednesday, Aug 3 2011 


Well, I was thinking about how today was the first time I said my age out loud when asked from the police officer who just pulled me over for a lame traffic violation. See, I just turned 40 years old literally 6 days ago and was slightly sad about this because I thought how did 40 run up and sucker punch me without some kind of warning! I know I’m a little dramatic. But, I have always been conscious about my appearance. No, it’s not that I am vain, but the opposite. In the last two years my weight has yo-yo up and down and is definitely not where I want for it to be ( maybe a good 30lbs to be slightly happier ) so when I leave for work or a function, I make sure I always look presentable because you never, ever know who you will run into! Trust me, you will run into someone you are least expected to see at anytime of the day. I have ventured out my house several times and could kick myself for doing this. But I think it’s just for a quick stop here or there and with no make-up, hair dirty ( pulled back with a headband ), and maybe not where the flattering of outfits. And I see how I look in the mirror, but I’m rushed to run a quick errand, I mean who is gonna see me, right? I think whatever and go. Wrong, of course, it is always at those rare occasions you run into an old boss, an ex-boyfriend, that cute guy or girl you have been crushing or maybe that one evil person ( its alway a girl trust me ) that just always gets under your skin, that spots you from afar or maybe up close and I think to myself “what the hell is my problem leaving the house looking like some crack whore”. It never fails, so after my last appearance as a C.W. when I ran into a previous owner of employment, I decided never again will I attempt to walk out the door without at least looking good ( maybe a cute hat, a pair of sunglasses, and throw on a cute sundress ). So, what I’m trying say ladies take my advice, look in the mirror before you leave the house. Don’t think it won’t matter because it will.
The reason I’m saying this is, if my insecurity about my +30lbs is visible to others who have not seen me in a while, than I will make sure to focus on my other beautiful features to feel good about myself. And see, I won’t give a crap to whoever I may will run into, because I look good and feel good about myself.
Now, I said I just turned 40 last week. I never have been a stickler about my age like my mother is. When I was growing up, I was the short girl with the young looking face. I remember getting my first fake I.D. when I was 16 years old, I memorized every bit of information on that I.D. ( see growing up in Nola, the legal drinking age at that time was 18 years old, so faking it out at 16 years old didn’t seem to be a far fetch ) but at 16 I didn’t even look it. I had such a baby face, and didn’t pass for 18 or even 16 years old. Growing up, my mom and Aunts would all say “when you are older, you will appreciate your youthful appearance” . And they were right, whenever someone would ask my age I told them and I always would get the same reply that they thought I was so much younger. Now, I totally appreciate it, because I definitely look like a young 30 year old. I think in the last 10 years I have maintained the skincare regime: always moisturize my face, use the fine line serums, apply sunscreen, no fake and bake ( but I do spray tan or use a sunless tanner ) and wear my make-up in a fashionable way. I think the last time I was carded in the French Quarter for dinner a few months ago, the server asked for my I.D. I was so joyful and excited. So, take pride in your skincare regime early because girls, trust me later in life all the sun damage, going out, and stress will catch up to you and age you in a heartbeat.
On my birthday last week, I woke up went to the bathroom, showered, and washed my face. I must have looked in the mirror for a good ten minutes wondering how did I get so old. My pores are slightly larger, no fine lines or wrinkles, yet ( as I knock on wood ), I have a herniated disc, and I spot a single gray strand of hair. But, here I am and I am just going not stress about it, I thought to myself I am freaking 40 years old, where did all the time go too! I mean today I was actually excited when my period came, not because I thought I could be prego but for the thought I am grateful for another month that I am not going into “the pause” ( I mean menopause but renamed it ). You maybe laughing at the fact that I think this, but it will come on early I have a feeling that it will be Mother Natures way of stabbing me in the heart because the pause will happen and that is just another sure sign of aging so called gracefully! We as women have to suck it up and take pride in our appearances, not because we are vain but we are judged based on first impressions. I mean look at all we have to go through: going to the gym weekly, fake and bake or spray tan once a week ( if you want to have a nice glow, not Snookie glow ) get our hair fix either by cut or color every 6 weeks, manicures/pedicures ( weekly or biweekly ) teeth whitening, skincare ( facials or led light therapy ) and whatever else floats your boat to maintain a certain youthfulness. The public eyes you up and down and has place judgement on you based on your initial meet, not even having a clue as what my intellect or interest might be. I too, have been guilty of this crime but now I have learned that I or any person has a lot to offer besides being judged on our looks. I know what you’re thinking it’s a double end sword, you’re damned if you or damned if you don’t. We have to basically market ourselves just to keep up with all the other women and men in the world. Now, some of you may have natural beauty and feel like you don’t have to participate in all that the plain janes of the world have to go through to look and play the part. I applaud you and jealous all at the same time. Not because I’m jealous of their natural beauty but it is that they don’t have to work at it as hard as I do to maintain certain appearances.
So, I guess that’s all and a big thank you to all the skincare, body, and haircare products being advertised or marketed in my head for making me, me! After all my mom doesn’t look a day over 50 and she is, so I guess I am thankful that I inherited her youthful genes. Thanks, Mom!

Love lost and love won… Monday, May 23 2011 


We grow up believing that love is out there for all of us, you have this one chance of a great love or soul-mate, that is searching for us or vice versa. Who is to say there is one, we form all sorts of relationships through time, searching for the ONE! I remember my first love, I was 8 years old, his name was Jerry, we were next door neighbors, would play kiss and chase, he gave me his Dallas Cowboys jacket to wear, went camping with his family, and he moved away months later. Then there was Paul, we were in the 7th grade, he asked me to my first school dance ( even though it was the Halloween Costume Dance, I dressed as a Rocker, he as a baseball player ) and gave me my first official kiss. I was so excited, we would hold hands, walk me to class, exchange notes and have lunch together. After our 2 month courtship, the devastating news: he decided he liked my friend instead of me. I remember crying on the bus home. Fast forward to my high school boyfriend, Danny, gosh I thought the moon of him. Totally, in love for the first time, my first real relationship ( funny when I think about it, we were only in High School and I thought he was my future ) we were inseparable, we had so much fun together I spent many of birthdays and holidays with him and his family. He gave me a promise ring, I knew he was the one and I loved this kid. I lost my virginity to him, after he said those three little words: I LOVE YOU! But as the story goes, after 3 years he moved on and broke my heart. I cried for days, months, and I was so certain I would never love anyone again like him. But, I did get over him and met my ex-husband, we fell for each other like fire. I knew I wanted to marry this man, to spend the rest of my life together. We were so different, I was from a big city, him a small town, I was catholic, he was Baptist, our backgrounds couldn’t have any different but, we knew it would work because we loved each other so much. We had a beautiful wedding, built our first home, lived our lives to the fullest, but I guess something was missing. Because no matter how much love I had for him, he fell in love with someone else. I have never been truly hurt or as heart-broken as I was in that point of my life. I thought losing my father years before was bad, but this had topped all other pain I had experienced. I never thought I would get over this heart-break, the divorce, and the moving on from this person who was my best friend, my lover, my family, and the person I was to grow old with. Do you question: was he really the ONE, was he my soul-mate, do you trust your heart again. How do you open heart to love again, how do you believe in love ever after when you have love lost and love won several times in your own life. Do you give up on the chance of love, I did make it from that experience of love lost and I did love again, but was it the ONE TRUE LOVE that I have been searching for. I don’t know yet but, I will make it a journey to find it. For now I will love all those around me until love finds me. Some people only experience the love of their life, one time and some have to kiss a lot ( and I mean ALOT ) of frogs to find their one Prince or Princess for a happily ever after.

How can it be…. Friday, May 20 2011 


Here I am in my prime so to say, have a great job, making decent money, new car, great family and friends. So why is it that at the tender age of 39 my body feels like it’s failing me. I gave up the sodas, fast food, I walk 5 days a week and my body is not doing it’s part. I mean my face had always been so nice with combination type skin, now it’s dry and has redness. My eyesight has slightly, i said slightly seem to need a little guidance. My legs have been my best part of the relationship between my body and I, now there is one varicose vein. My hip hurts so bad lately,that I ask my
Mother what does she think and all of the Nurse Mommy diagnosis, says suggests sciatica! Really! Then the always lovely and compassionate ( that would be me using sarcasm ) boyfriend teases that maybe I need a hip replacement because “I am getting up there in age”. Hello, you are only 3 years younger than me! Then there are the Boobs, these girls have had the best if times, I mean the compliments we have received because of you girls, the free drinks, the dinners, that one time you girls got me out of a traffic ticket. At least gravity hasn’t hit us yet. I can proudly say I still got even without a bra on they are still perky. But back to the other parts, I may not have treated you like a Temple, body, but I always made sure we dressed nicely, wore pretty shoes, had a nice tan, and sacrificed the workouts for drinking and dancing. But that was only to show you the appreciation I have for us. So How can it be that after all the good times together that this is how you repay me with these aches and pains. I refuse to go down without a fight, I may be turning a year older but I definitely won’t let it affect my body, the Temple ( well the Temple of Life ). Can someone please get me an icepack, the heating pad, and my glasses…..