So its been a while, well a long time since I’ve been here. So much has happened and changed in my life since October. I had serious health issues but glad to say I’m feeling 100 times better with my back injury. I’m still recovering but at least I’m not in the pain as I once was. I have to thank my family and friends for the support they have given me this last year. I couldn’t have made it without them. I had 2 back surgeries with some complications which required me to stay in the hospital for over 7 weeks. I am still recovering but I am not one with patience and tend to over do it at times but hopefully I will be 100% soon. As for my relationship, it has been a struggle of insecurities, fights, and hurt. When you are with someone for over 7 years you try to ignore the signs that are telling you that you deserve better. I loved this man and gave all that I could but I have my faults and pushed him away because of certain choices and decisions he made without my consent. So you live comfortable and have someone there with you because you don’t want to be alone. Years go by and things don’t change they spiral out of control to the point that both of us are so unhappy that we cannot be happy together and you start living these separate lives but pretend to everyone else that all is good. It will be hard to say goodbye, separate your belongings, who gets what and how do you decide you will take our 3 dogs who we loved like our own children, dividing the family unit. I have always thought break ups have sucked even my divorce was my biggest heartbreak. But this is different because he will still be there in the circle of friends and places that we go too. I want more in life, I want security and know I have a security for my future. I’m not young anymore I have to make decisions that will be in my best interest. Sometimes that means letting go of a man who is not in the same place in life as you are. It breaks my heart to know I’m hurting someone so much but I’m hurting as well. How will I feel when I see him with another person. I don’t think I will handle that well but maybe I was meant to find someone who will love me for me and be there when I need them to hold me when I can’t anymore. I want to be free but then I don’t want to let go. It sucks I sound like this person who wants their cake and eat it too. But in reality all I ever wanted was for this man to see what I wanted was security and then I could take those wall downs and love him again. Maybe too much time has past and we will be able to rebuild what we once has together. So I will focus on me and try to do what’s in my best interest. I know I can do this, the fact of starting all over again at 40 is the crap part of this for me. I thought when I was married I wouldn’t even thought I’d be doing this again for the third time now. Life is never what it seems to be when you’re young. I guess that’s why we are always learning and growing with life’s curve balls. My quote of the day is: “Sometimes you need to go through the pain to experience the joy!” hopefully I will experience the joy real soon!
Thank you,
Nola Girl Social!