So, I am really bumming tonight! I did something I should’ve never done, I googled ( stupid google with your powers of the search engine ) the ex-husband and saw that he’s still married to the whore that he left me for ( which they have a kid now ) and they are now living one state away from me. Weird because they were up North but in the military there are no choices of living, you basically are going where they decide.
I feel so many emotions right now, especially seeing an actual picture of him just made me wonder… what was it all for. I mean I feel like a piece of crap because I wish I never searched him. You know that feeling like if you could see the future for 10 seconds, would you or like reading a book or watching a movie, instead of reading through the story, you just skip to the last page, and you really wish you didn’t. And of course, like the crazy I am, ( you know it’s coming ) I searched the whore as well. I mean she is on the Book ( Facebook ) along with all my ex- in laws and old friends that go with one of a broken couple ( so I guess they all chose him because I have never heard from them since the divorce ). You spend 11 plus years with this person, their family becomes your family, friendships are made and just like that I don’t exist to any of these people that I formed relationships with so long ago.
It’s funny when you watch a movie and at one point there is a couple that breaks up and what do the mutual friends do or pick as on going friendship goes. Do you stay friends with both or drop one and stay with the other. Well, I must’ve lucked out because I got nobody, just the clothes on my back. Literally, all I got from 11 years together was my clothes I packed when I came back to Nola! I mean where the hell are my stuff! He left me, broke our marriage and kept everything that was mine! He got the girl ( or whore as I call her ) and a child, he could’ve at least give me my belongings! Where the hell is all the karma in this, he screwed me over, I had a great life, and now it’s all bullshit! I have been through the ringer the last 7 years and he’s got everything going for him. Ok, so I am slightly angry but when you 22 years old and marry the person you see yourself growing old with, the person who loves you and will protect you, just end everything right out of left field, you tend to have a lot of unanswered questions. I guess I will never get those answers.
I’m so angry, sad, and hurt. You think you know a person after 11 years and in a snap of a second they change before your eyes. I guess I’m just pissed because if he wasn’t the one then why am I on this ridiculous collision course of bad karma. It is one bad thing to another and I try to do the right thing so that way I know some sort of good should come my way.
When I saw his picture, he looked the same as the last day I saw him ( at the airport, I flew from Nola, to fix it, but he moved on in only 5 days that I remember us crying before my flight, walking away was the hardest thing in my life, because I knew in his eyes he was not mine anymore, so I walked to my gate in the airport, turning around one last time to see him ) at the airport. Gosh, I remember crying the whole flight back home, it felt so surreal. He looks as if he hadn’t aged in all these years, he still had the same military cut, his eyes looking away from the camera as always, and yet a part of me missed him. Its crazy, after all this time, don’t get me wrong I’m not carrying a torch for him, but i missed the meaning of him and I together, I missed us! I wonder what the gods had in store for me, why me? I just want to know why, I want that love and relationship that I had before with someone. I miss the old “us” but maybe the greater powers that be meant for me to come home and be with my family. I do cherish my family but when will it be my happy time again. I’m just waiting for that moment, you know, when you have all your crap together and you can finally breathe aloud to say now I get it! But, still searching or at least following whatever path I’m supposed to be on right now. I guess it’s true what they say ” you never know what you got, until it’s gone”. Maybe I didn’t appreciate the things I did have and took it for granted. Whatever, it may be I am home, in Nola with my family and friends. Who knows, maybe what life really has in store for me, was to begin now, now that I’m 40 years old and my perspective has changed due to all that I have gone through the last 7 years. I guess we will have to wait and find out…stay tuned! I think I will cry myself to sleep and hope that tomorrow will be a better day and a better hope for me.